I'm sorry that growing up I thought you had one mom and one dad and that was it. You grew up, became a doctor or a rockstar, and you still had that same mom and dad. How simple the mind of a child is. But yet, how beautifully innocent.
You ruined that, Dad. Sometimes I don't even want to call you that. You don't deserve that title.
You were with Mom for what... 21 years? And now she's 54. Practically half of her life. And to her, YOU were the fucking One. You still are. I know this, because on rare occasions, she cries to me about it. Goddamn you.
You left her when I was 9. Mom was... 41. 41!! You bastard. She was so heartbroken. Still is. And do you fucking know what its like to see that -- when you're 9?! You came from a farm family -- I don't even know how many siblings you have. 4 or 5. I think. I don't know, I don't care. And they're all still married to their first spouse. Only you couldn't do it. HOW HARD IS IT TO LOVE?! Not very. But you complicated it by cheating on Mom -- and you could have given her a disease, you fuck. -- and leaving her -- even AFTER she gave you the option to leave the other woman and come home --- for my stepmom, who you aren't even with now.
Let's see... you were married 3 times already. You're 60 now. And you have another girlfriend. Thank god she isn't half your age like my stepmom was. And go figure, she left YOU. How did you like that, huh? Not fun, huh? That's not even a PERCENT of the pain Mom went through.
And so, let's recount. I'm 22 now. Mom is 54. She had remarried, just like you did, when you wouldn't take her back. Wouldn't love her. Her husband -- who was a goddamn FATHER to me -- had a heart attack and died at 47. My mom is a widow.
She has now been seeing a new man for I think going on 3 years now. Is it that? Time is flying. But he is just like her -- quirky and funny and loving and oh-so loyal. Handsome in all his ways. And unfortunately for my aching mother, he is --although divorced,-- going through a nasty god-awful aftermath with his gold-digger ex, who has practically left him penniless.
America's law is so great, isn't it? Christ. Land of the free, but we're homeless and have no health coverage for our people. Sad.
ANYWAY. (See how angry you make me, DAD?!)
So Mom is giddy like a schoolgirl. So in love with this man, and he's going to be the one to stay with her. I know this. I know this because we trade stories about our boyfriends together. As if we were best friends. And guess what, we are. My mom is my best friend.
But who are you.
Not only did you absolutely destroy her for so many years for everything you did, and how you lied and cheated and played the role of the victim when all along it was HER heart that was breaking, HER life she had to redo all on her own -- hello!! She had to raise me alone. ALONE. You weren't there. You couldn't even pay your measly $100 child support half the time and your share of my dental bills. How embarrasing for her. Beyond that, way beyond that.
You also aided me in lying to her when I thought I was right in doing so. Lied to her yourself about it. Tried to make it seem like the right thing to do. Way to be a parent. You could never buy me food half the time. Then, when I brought a good boyfriend around, you threatened to kill him and created this fabrication that my mom wanted to abort me, and if my boyfriend told me, you'd end his life.
Wow, what a dad. Is everyone still reading this? Isn't he wonderful. And to think, many many kids have it way worse than me. But I'm just sharing this for the sake of sharing.
Of course my boyfriend still told me. And then I didn't talk to you for over a year. And the only reason I ended ignoring every single one of your fucking phone calls numerous times a day, week and months? Your dad died right before my birthday.
My boyfriend at the time became your voice. I couldn't stand to listen to your voicemails, but felt it too wrong to just delete all of them, so he would go in another room and repeat verbatim all that you said. I forgot what your voice sounded like after a while. It was nice. And when I found out from a cousin of mine that Grandpa died... I had to give in. And that's the only fucking reason. Because you, at that time, were just a human being grieving, and god knows I can't turn away from someone crying. You took advantage of even that.
And then we stopped talking again because I didn't want to be bothered with you. And then one day you just showed up at my fucking work, while I was working, doing my damn job, and wanted to 'talk'. Get out of my life! All this time, from about 19 1/2 to 22, you couldn't ever get the BALLS to call Mom. You piece of shit coward. And we all know these are the reasons you won't call.
Then you tried to win my love, sending me money from your new girlfriend, flaunting your retirement at everyone like you're some sort of hotshot. Well, you aren't. Never were. But I trust people and I tried to trust you again, tried to maybe have that father-daughter bond with you... and you told me you'd buy me a brand new Cobalt for my 22nd. And then the day before I go to get the car, my DREAM CAR... I find out you were trying to screw me over for what would end up being about $20,000. And then when you knew that I knew, you stopped sending money, stopped trying to 'help' me out, as you put it.
And that's where we are today, folks. My father, the liar, cheater, heartbreaker, user, loser, good-for-nothin'. And that shit is a part of me.
Now you all know. And for all of THAT, I'm sorry I'm related to you, DAD. I can't wait to change my name.
Fuck you for destroying my childhood dreams of a family, fuck you for leaving me, fuck you for threatening my boyfriend at the time, who is now my best friend, fuck you for ruining my vision of what love is, and most of all, MOTHERFUCK YOU for hurting my mom.
She was the BEST thing you ever had. I can see it, OUR family can see it, and god knows her boyfriend can see it. And for that, for her beauty and wisdom and who she is, I keep all this in. Because the more I bring it up, bring YOU up, the more I hurt her.
I'm sorry you had to come along and ruin our lives. Fuck you, Dad.
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