I Am Sorry I Was Blind

I am sorry that I have made a mistake that hurt others, people I love most in life and a few others and in the aftermath I probably have done the worst damage to myself for 5 years.

Amazing given the fact I have lived my entire life trying so hard to make everyone else happy, worrying about them over myself and just constantly caretaking since childhood. I succeeded unless by accident and I honestly don't know if I blew it it was a mistake.

I have paid the price for years. I've been haunted by words, actions and feelings of despair when I realized you were not who I thought and matched with your words ad action. Some of the above emails reind me of different aspects of the one I am referring to and you are beyond confusing.

I am sorry I missed all the signs that you were nothing like I believed and I allowed you to fool me into thinking you were someone who deserved me, my adoration and trust. The person who made me feel safer than ever yet I see you ended up being the very person I needed protection from...habits are breaking I am seeing that's been something not easy but it is stopping and my feelings will keep diminishing. The disrespect, the needing to sleep around with others, flip flopping on your feelings for me is so stupid and you will be sorry when you see it was a mistake and it is too late.

I am sorry I let you think I was willing to put up with some crazy idea that you could continue to keep up your nonsene without getting bounced by not being vocal that while witnessing you turning into who you really are and sadly, lots of things I loved you no longer have those qualities and mybe never did.

Sorry, you became a science project because it is far from truth of who you really are which is fine and I hope you are happy living in a way that makes you happy but that way does not work for me.

I am sorry I blew off replacements which would have helped to take up that space in my brain that I allowed your mind blowing, devastating and timesucking treatments to control me and my innerself.

I am sorry for those I hurt that didn't deserve but maybe the fact I wasted a half a decade on this "learning nightmare" excursion will make them happy. I am sorry for the person who I hurt yet is always reliable and when I need something is there even when he doesn't have to be and you never are and haven't been in so long yet I have been for you at every turn. I am so sorry for that the most.

I am sorry I wasn't myself because if I had been, you would have matbe behaved better and I wouldn't have had pent up anger.

I am sorry I WAS blind, I missed that you weren't a man of your word and I am sorry I did things I just needed to do to "know" what was with the fact in person you were one person and go away and act like a different person. I didn't lose self esteem just lost some hope and faith in people because I was not the me I am and can be.

I am sorry that you now feel like you do about me and whatever that is is unfair and one sided. All you had to do was ask....I am sorry I lost my close friends because of you and you did a lot of that becauseif your insecurities and now I am starting all over because I believed you were the priority. Sorry we just did not stay friends and that is it and we would be happy.