For Ranting About Nonsensical Emotional Crap

Let me start off by saying I don't think I'm a bad person. There are lots of sayings like, "what we do defines us," or "it is not our choices that determine who we are, it is who we are that determines our choices." ALL CRAP!! From my experience perfectly normal, nice and intelligent people can make fucked up and irrational decisions that harm themselves and those around them. Sometimes this is done on purpose, sometimes not, but the cluster-fuck of a result remains none the less.

With that said, this is the position I find myself in. I look back at my choices, and cannot pin-point one thing that set off this train-wreck in my life (maybe because there were so many aspects that contributed.) I moved and ditched my friends from school. I got new friends that were a BAD influence; I let them be though, which is my own damn fault. I left my family. I got engaged. I cheated. I had an abortion. I cheated again. I am now not engaged and dating one of the guys I cheated on my-ex with.

I've lied to everyone I've ever loved. I lie to myself most of all. I'm sorry I have never had the strength to let someone really know me, to let someone know all of my secrets. I'm sorry I am too afraid that they'll realize I really am a horrible person, and that my soul is not worth loving. I'm sorry I am too cynical to believe in religion, or really anything at all, including other people.. even family. I'm sorry the words "unconditional love" are something I don't think I will ever know.

All of that I said, the thing I am truly sorry about, is that I don't think I am a bad person. I am a betrayer of trust; yet it is something I revert back to time and time again, which is stupid, and I don't know why I do it.

Last of all, I'm sorry to anyone who is reading this, for ranting about nonsensical emotional crap, because I can't tell anyone I actually know that I am going insane in my own skin. I really am sorry.