To God and a Girl

I don't quite know who to address this to... I guess this is an apology to God, and to my little girl.

I'm sorry for putting you behind a guy. I know that you tried to get me away from him, but I refused to listen because I thought I loved him and thought we could be happy together. I now have a beautiful girl, but he has left and married someone else, and we are left alone with the shame. I know you knew this would happen, but I was stupid. Please, help us find a way to be free to live happy lives.

To my daughter... I am sorry I've brought this shame onto you. You are so sweet and pure, and I know you never deserved this. I love you, and I wish all of this could be undone. An impossible wish. All I can do is work for the future. But even there, I am failing. It has been very difficult to see myself as someone capable of this. Even now, I can't believe it. Because it's been so hard for me to accept my own actions, I have lied about it repeatedly, to protect you or to protect my job so that I could provide for you, since we are on our own. I wish society was different. I wish it was more accepting and understanding so that we could be more normal, but I can't blame them. I know I was irresponsible, and the blame is all mine. I am the one who is weak, both now and then. You don't know about it yet, but I know it will be inevitable until you do. But if I tell the truth, there would be such a terrible backlash... And you would be hit with that. I don't know what to do. Either way, I fail you. At least this way you are cared for. For now. I don't know how to get out of this, but not a day goes by that I don't struggle with it, searching for a way to be free. Until that day, I'm sorry. I'm just so, so sorry for failing you.