Deeply Shamed, Deeply Ashamed

i am sorry i lied to you about the cancer..i am sorry i lied to you about the community and manipulated you and myself for all those years..i am sorry i didnt understand what i was i was doing..what it has cost me has been made painfully clear.

i am just a liar..scared and ugly and exposed..and I know it..i fear everything..and cant fight off the sinking ship of self pity i am on..and for that i am sorriest of all..because if i were braver i would just tell you..and let the chips fall where they may. but i cant becuase i am a coward too..and lied to so many people for so long..i am in hell..and deserve to be.

i keep thinking i still dont know why i did it..then i think that is just a cop out..either way i made choices at the time..there is no one but myself to blame...whether i was ignorant of the choices or not is irrelevent..i did them..i said the lies..i played the game with peoples hearts emotions and trust.

i dont deserve anyones trust...and the fact i cant even trust myself is an insanity and punishment i fully deserve.

i am sorry P..D..M..J..and M&A...i will allways be sorry..mostly..I am sorry DD...that you have me as a mother..a woman who just cant seem to get it right..not even for you.

i am sorry and wish i had never been born....its all i know how to say..i know it wont take the hurt away..wont take the angry away..or the sense of betrayal that you will know one day if ever you go to heaven and see me for the crud i am. all this time i was angry at you for seeming betrayals..never really realising the extent of my own...i am deeply shamed...deeply ashamed..and will honestly work towards never doing that again, every day of my life.