The reason I am posting this apology anonymously is because you asked me to please not contact you further. I would tell you this in person, if you were willing to listen. Somehow I doubt that, judging by the fact that when I happened to walk into Starbucks the morning after Thanksgiving you immediately left. I know you probably thought I didn’t see you. Unfortunately, I have this weird tendency to always scan the area around me, especially when it is a place we used to go to or that you possibly could be at, regardless of what day or time it is. Anyway, I saw your car in the parking lot as I walked in. Just so you know, I had no intention of bothering you. I have that much respect for you, and it was so early anyway. I walked in and deliberately did not look around the shop, knowing you were probably sitting in one of the corners. That said, I was pretty crushed when I sensed someone walk out almost immediately that I walked in, and when I looked at the parking lot, your car was gone.
I am sorry that I was so upset by our breakup that I lashed out at you. It doesn’t matter that I was crushed by it, but it wasn’t fair that I began to tell you everything that I ever thought was wrong with you. You are not perfect, and neither am I. The truth is, I knew and sensed those things all along, and I was ok and willing to accept them as part of you, while we were together. I was just so unhappy when we split, and my inner drama queen took over.
I strongly considered therapy in the months following our split, because I was feeling really bad. I considered it because I thought that is what people do when they are their wits end, having dark moments when they feel life may no longer be worth living. That was a scary point. I never did anything or seriously thought about doing anything, but I had reached a horrifically low point and for a time wished I could disappear. Who knew love could be so strenuous? Wouldn’t wish the way I felt on anyone and I hope to God that I never go there again.
I am sorry that I have written you more notes than any one guy should ever receive in a lifetime from all his ex girlfriends combined. It was my release, but it ended being punishment to you. No one should be subjected to that kind of barrage. The problem is that I was trying really hard to be mature and not melodramatic when we split, but I was not being honest with you or myself that day in my living room, February 28. I had sensed that you were no longer interested, which is why I confronted you, but I pretended that I was ok when I was really raging and screaming inside. My frustration had been building up for months. On the outside it seemed ok, but I had been stressed out about us for a while, and it had gotten really difficult for me to keep up the brave face. Everyone kept telling me that you and I seemed perfect, and I so wanted that to be the case, and did not realize how much energy I had been using to keep up the façade that I was happy. You and I both know that I am a smart girl. Several times you tried to tell me that you were not looking for a serious relationship. I heard you, but I guess I chose not to listen. What did I expect? I tried to tell myself that I was ok with seeing a man who I loved but did not love me, but I wasn’t. The loneliest place in the world is being with a person who does not really want to be with you in the same way or feel the same way. I should have let out my inner “screams” that night, because if I had, the following seven months of me verbally torturing you and myself in the process, would not have happened.
I remain crushed by the fact that we didn’t work out and that I wasn’t the one for you, but I hope you one day can understand my behavior and reactions better than I did. No one has ever reached the recesses of my soul in the way that you were able to, and no one has ever shaken my core the way you did. The love I do feel for you has changed me forever. Before you, I dated, but I was really ok with being single. That was because I had not experienced real love. Once you have had that, it is impossible to go back to the way you were, because now you know different. I am closer to age 40 than anything, so I have been there and done that in many ways. The experience with you was life changing. When they write about true joy from within, I can now relate. I know I will never be the same again, but I hope to be able to put back together the shattered pieces of crystal that make up my heart in a way that it could possibly withstand another encounter at some point. Of course, as a believer in miracles, I pray that person could be you, but I have no choice in the matter. There is not a single day that goes by where I don’t think about you – what you are doing, where you are, if you would enjoy a certain joke someone told me, if you would like the meal I just made, or the funny thing that happened at my work. Such is life.
There have been some good things to come out of this though. I will not say that I have healed yet, because that is not the case. I am further down the path than you might imagine, and perhaps that can supplement this apology. I came out of our relationship really wanting to understand myself, to figure out why I feel so broken and wanting to learn more about myself and about men in relationships. This is the first time in 20 years of dating/relationships that I have truly sought after cause and effect learning. Venting to friends and family has been part of the process, but my true therapy has come through pondering, quiet time and reading, lots and lots of reading. Not only have I bought several “self help” books myself, but I have borrowed several from friends. The pleasant surprise has been that there is a lot of information out there if we want to reach out. Reading has been one of my serious passions for years, and it was probably time I was “forced” to get back into it. That is another thing this breakup did for me.
In closing, I wanted to mention the titles of certain books here that have helped me tremendously the past two months that may be of interest to others, and maybe to you if you ever see this. I am sorry for hurting you.
-If Life Is a Game, Then These are the Rules - Cherie Carter Scott, PhD.
-Excess Baggage- Getting Out of Your Own Way – Judith Sills, PhD
-Mars and Venus on a Date – John Gray, PhD
-Smart Women, Foolish Choices – Dr’s Connell Cowan and Melvyn Kinder
-Men Who Can’t Love – Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
anonymous (the artists are credited). If you'd like to submit your own art, just send an email to . Enjoy!
