I'm sorry that I'll never really look pretty for you because I don't feel it on the inside. They say it has to come from within first, and it never really has.
But yet, when people compliment me and tell me I should model, or tell me I'm very pretty, I feel good. I wish I could feel that on my own, without having to hear someone say it in order for it to register to me.
Why is it people always think that just because I'm skinny I should model? I'm 5'11'', 100 pounds, and it isn't easy. It's not fun. People think the bigger girls have all the hard times... I did too. The quiet, loser artsy girl in school.. I was picked on for years so that I withdrew into myself. I never wore shorts since the 6th grade. Never wore a skirt EVER. Never wore sleeveless t-shirts. Tried to show as little of my skin as possible. I was hunted down in the hallways to be harassed. Teachers, who knew that I was fine, would pull me out of class each and every year. The principal supposedly notified them all that I was just naturally thin, but they continued to do it anyway. I ate as far away from tfe cafeteria as I could, just so no one could spot me and start to be mean to me. I ate alone. On the floor, by the lockers, and almost got stepped on numerous times. I looked down when I walked. And I have a grudge for it, and I can't help it. I'm sorry that I do, but I'm really sorry bitches like you girls felt the need to put me down. I was thisclose to auditioning on America's Next Top Model just a few years ago. If I would have gone, and if I would have made it, I would finally feel like I achieved something. Something.
I never got asked out on dates. But the bad boys liked me. I was a bet, a game to them. Who could sleep with me first. Luckily, I was smart, and never fell for it. And I've only given myself away to the good guys. Only twice. No regrets. I'm still with the second guy, after nearly 3 years.
But goddamn it if I can't feel good on my own. How wonderful it would be to put on a dress and fill it out and feel pretty. Or be asked to dance. Or have been asked out by a genuine guy. Or to find jeans easily that were long enough for me, and that fit at my waist.
I'm almost 22. I've been out of school for almost 4 years now. I never went to college because of the shit I endured. Thankfully, I got an excellent job in the financial industry, and I am blessed to have it without an education. Had I gone to school, I would be graduating now. I will always be angry at them, for hurting me and making me feel worthless. And I will always be mad at myself for letting it bother me so much that I never went back to school. And I never will.
And I'm trying to put on more weight. I have been for years! Next time any of you look at some skinny girl and think badly, or maybe even envy, realise that maybe, just maybe sometimes we don't like how we look. I never flaunt my size. It's been nothing but trouble. I'd rather weigh more than less! What I would GIVE to be curvaceous. 130? 140? I don't even know what a normal weight for a girl like me is. But I'd love it. And to have a womanly figure? Breasts? Go figure! I feel like a unic because I am so small. I may as well be a 9 year old with this body. My wrists are just as small.
Someday, I would like to be truly happy with myself. I have a great job, a great boyfriend, a great apartment, a hot car (I'm a tuner on a team!) -- but yet, I'm not pleased with me. God help me to find the strength to feel that way. To let it shine from within. I'm sorry this is so long. I used to be a writer, but I let that go, too.
I remember the first time in high school that I felt pretty. It was for only a split second, as I looked in the mirror one afternoon, and I cried because of it. What a feeling. I was a columnist for our paper and wrote about it. Hoping people would understand.
Please understand.
